Entitlement is a strange thing. It is born of the expectation that comes with trust. When we trust, we relinquish a certain part of ourselves, in the belief that whomever receives it will handle with care. Since we have relinquished ourselves in part, and yielded our nuances somewhat, we believe that we are obliged to receive something in turn. Whether it be love, time, affection or attention. This is the unwritten code of trust, it is shrouded with entitlement. Upon entering into any relationship, there exists a pre-consented protocol that ties us by default. It quietly states that I here-forth, give you, say, loyalty, and in return you give me, say, time. I got your back when you need an alibi and you got me when I need a wingman. I hold your hair back for you while you puke, and you dry my tears when I cry. A tit for tat, if you will. But the problem is that most of these details are in the small print. And nobody ever reads the small print. So when does entitlement go too far? At what point are we asking for more than we should?
The demise of almost every relationship i've witnessed fall apart, be it friends, family or lovers, has almost always been predicated on an entitlement disarray. For as long as a relationship thrives on give, take, give, take, give, take; at some point the cycle will collapse and form a give give give, in which, when not met by a take will almost certainly inspire an end. Because you can bend over backwards for someone, but there is only so far back you can bend, and only so long you can stay bent. But the question arises here - are we even entitled to receive in return at all? The truth is, quite frankly, no. We are not. And the sooner we come to terms with this, the sooner we can enjoy fruitful relationships that do not incur charges of entitlement. The truth is, what we give to people, whether it be our time, love or money, we can not give with the hope that it will be returned. Instead, we must be wise enough to judge whether giving those things will ultimately be worth our while. Whether we are investing well or just acting foolishly. If we emotionally invest in something, with even the slightest premonition that it is a waste of our time, then we can only blame ourselves when we are proven right. Do you see my point? We can not unleash our anger on those who we have coerced into carrying the burden of our extravagant demands. We can only hope that in the rarest and most precious cases, what we have invested will rewarded in a mutual affinity. And if not, then we will tighten our emotional purse strings. Some of us may need a backhand to heed this advice.
My point: Don't take it out on the person you love for not loving you, take it out on yourself for foolishly investing so much into somebody who never had any intention of loving you. BE WISE.
This begs the question, however, what if we were deceived into thinking our investments would be returned? As is often the case, what if somebody promised to love us, and they did not? what if somebody promised us loyalty and they let us down? It's fair to say this is often the case, however this just calls for a more strict observation of behavioural characteristics. Or even a wider eye into our own intuition. The truth is, people rarely ever *really* surprise us. Of all the instances somebody has truly let you down, it's a very VERY rare occurance that you'd have been *truly* shocked by their actions. Deep down we always know who is going to hurt us. From the very beginning. In fact, often we are waiting to be hurt. Expecting it. But it is embedded so deeply in our subconscious that it is often disguised as the opposite. An unwarranted trust. This is the only way we can suppress the little voice inside of us that is telling us that the one person who we want most not to hurt us is going to do that very thing. Instead, we tell ourselves 1000x times over that this is the person who will give back to us what we give them. We entertain this perplexing notion that we can walk around throwing our investments at whomever tickles our fancy and they ought to throw back. We make ourselves believe it. Then, when the inevitable happens, we act surprised, confused, dumb-founded and hurt. But if you've ever really sat down and had a conversation with your soul, you will have realised that almost every single time, you knew it was coming. We know it is our own misgivings that often lead us to misery but we are too precious to punish ourselves, so we seek blame outside ourselves.
One of the problems with believing that you are entitled to someone's love is that, the more you voice it, the more responsibility you put on them to love you. It should never be a responsibility. Be it a friend or lover, you must never ask somebody for love, for if it is not given freely, it is not worth having at all. Demanding time, affection and attention is useless since those are the things indicative of a persons feelings towards you. Use it as a gage, if you're not receiving these things, they probably don't want to give them to you. So why do you think you are entitled to something that is not fuelled by any desire to invest in you? Do you even want to stake a claim in those dysfunctional gratifications? I've come to learn that the less you demand of somebody, the more people want to give to you. Because all of a sudden, investing in you becomes natural. it becomes free of entitlement and free of a stigma. It is easy and there are no consequences. Once you add consequences to a persons dedication, you are likely to evaporate it.
I think marriage is the biggest culprit for cases of serial, bogus entitlement claims. And this is why divorce is not as rare as it should be. We fall in love and we dedicate our entire beings to another single, sole entity. And in exchange we expect all those things back, to compensate the pieces we gave up. It seems fair, in theory. Once again, it SEEMS fair. But as we all know, that is generally not how things tend to play out. Once again we fall back into this cycle of give and take, until somebody breaks the cycle. The trouble is, if one person keeps giving without complaint, the other party will become complacent and learn that they do not need to give back in order to keep the relationship alive. So what does one do in this scenario, claim a stake in their entitlement to the other party's love? List all the things they've done and complain about how they have yet to receive a thing in return? No. You do not do those things, do you know why? because you are NOT ENTITLED TO ANY OF THOSE THINGS. THAT is the truth. Love is not born of entitlement. It is born of a free heart. The only thing you CAN do, and the only wise thing TO do, is to quietly remove yourself from the situation. Allow the cycle to break naturally. If the love is real, without you having to do a thing, the cycle will naturally restore itself. In fact, you will probably appropriate a few takes out of the fear you evoked when you left; and just to regain the balance. If you get nothing, even after you've taken yourself out of the situation, LEAVE. Do not cry, beg, cheat, scream and accuse; JUST LEAVE. You do not owe them a heart-felt explanation since you're not owing each other anything any more at this point. Not everybody deserves your emotional sincerity. That person has made it abundantly clear that they do NOT care about you. Have enough self worth to know that, although you are not entitled to anything, the person who truly loves you will give you everything without batting an eyelid. If you want something pure, leave your unsophisticated demands at the door before you next step into something that could potentially serve you both lucratively.
I've seen people send themselves to the darkest pits of depression over entitlement. I had a friend who got caught up in a murky situation with a guy. He mistreated her gravely and then told everybody she was lying about it. I saw my friend get very desolate over the matter, and she slipped deeper and deeper into a dark depression. I remember one night, when we were having an emotional heart to heart, I asked her, "what would make you get over this?" and she said to me, simply, "an apology." Her entire mental well being was dependant on this one apology, which more than likely, she was never going to get. She believed she was entitled to an apology, and her persistence with that entitlement saw her own self destruction. First of all, pinning your sanity on the will of another person is the first step to self-destruction. To depend any of your personal outcomes on another being is fatal. The truth is, to stay sane we must learn not to fully depend on anybody. But to build fruitful relationships we must depend on each other somewhat. It is a delicate balance that one learns to tread with age. Everybody has a bottom line. A place in ourselves that we will never surrender to another living being. It is called worth.
One of my favourite quotes to use is "accept and don't expect." It can be applied to any situation. You just have to ACCEPT the circumstance, as is, and do not EXPECT anything from it. Once we drop all of our expectations and entitlements, suddenly we become mentally and spiritually emancipated and able to move forward freely.
Nothing good can ever come of entitlement, whether we receive the love we believe we are obliged to or not, the point is that it is not received willingly and therefore it is useless to us. It is wise to suppress the ego, that seeks desperate validation from giving and not receiving, and worthwhile to remember that only 'UN-ENTITLED' love is worth receiving. Because if somebody gives you something, not because you're expecting them to, but just because they want to, the answer to every question you've ever had lies there within.
- Elica Le Bon November 22nd 2013
